I consider myself attractive and intelligent and so do my friends. I'm employed, pretty social and am active in several community groups. I'm 51 and never married. I would love to be dating someone but it's such a struggle. I'm always going out with my girlfriends to different events, but it seems like I never meet anyone. I don't seem to attract single men and I'm really not sure what to do about it. What can I do to change this?
Anita responds ...
First, repeat after me: "I AM A GREAT CATCH." You are! And a great man will love you, for you. Next, here are a few tips to keep in your "Coach" purse (Get it? Coach?):
#1 You mentioned, " … it's a struggle." Make a list of what those struggles are. As you reveal each struggle, ask yourself, "What are my responsibilities in this?", "What could I contribute to help myself in this situation?" and "If I could do this again, what would I do differently?"
#2 Love, inside out. Spend quality time getting to know you with regard to relationships. And, if there are areas to work on, like removing bad habits, negative assumptions and fear, work towards mending and healing. Phase out the unnecessary that keeps your confidence from shining, and nurture the lovely that your friends and family embrace about you.
#3 Positive mental imagery. Mentally envisioning successful outcomes will help train your mind to believe in attaining those goals. Olympians practice this exercise to achieve their successes. Through trial and error, they maximize their abilities envisioning their goals. Why shouldn't you? Imagine your successes in meeting, dating and having a healthy relationship, and go for your own gold!
Anita Myers | RCI Coach
Mari responds ...
We all have a degree of "self talk." We tell ourselves every day we can do this or can't do such and such. What immediately jumped out at me from your letter was that you've unfortunately been engaging in negative "self talk." You stated that it's a struggle to date, you never meet anyone and you don't attract single men.
My advice is to turn your "self talk" around because it all begins within us. The vibes we send out are immediately subconsciously picked up by others, and create a self-fulfilling purpose. It sounds like your vibes are screaming, "I'm getting desperate because I think 51 is old," or "I'm a loser in the dating arena." When we tell ourselves a million times that something is difficult, it subsequently becomes a rock-hard belief that makes the task or situation much more difficult than it really is.
Determine to concentrate on what you're bringing to the table, and see yourself as a magnificent catch for any guy. Every time a negative thought comes, determine to put a positive one in its place. Try this technique faithfully and then enjoy the results!
Mari Lyles | RCI Coach
Ann responds ...
It appears you have no plan in place to meet someone, which is a common singles problem. Try these few tips to help you create a real relationship plan.
First, make a list of your values, relationship requirements, and what you really want. Next, create a written profile of your ideal partner. This captures your partner's desired attributes, values, and personality traits. In doing so, keep in mind your ideal relationship. You must be clear on what is it, exactly, that you are looking for in a relationship, and what type of person it will take to co-create this with you. Once this is complete, think about where you might find this person.
We know what you're doing is not working, so it's time to change it up. When you're out, be sure you're approachable. Pay attention to your body language. Are you welcoming? Do you smile and make eye contact? Also consider, sometimes, going out in a group can make you seem unapproachable – a guy does not want to risk rejection in front of a group. Join a club, take a class, begin venturing out of your comfort zone.
Ann Robbins | RCI Coach
Lisa responds ...
It sounds as if you are off to a good start by keeping socially active, but you might increase your chances of meeting a single guy by mixing up your options a bit. First, keep in mind that sometimes a pack of women is a formidable obstacle for an interested man. Trying to meet one woman in the group leaves him subject to the scrutiny of several. Consider heading out with one other friend, or even alone if the environment is safe.
Or, consider taking a class or joining a special interest group open to men and women. Shared interests invite immediate common ground and create conditions for easy conversation. If you haven't yet tried online dating, give it a whirl. The more popular systems are set up to keep your identity private until you choose to divulge it. Always follow recommendations for online dating safety.
Also, take an honest look at what you're putting out there. Even a hint of desperation or urgency could be a deterrent. Make sure you're not wearing your frustration on your sleeve. Lastly, network, network, network. Sixty-three percent of married couples say they found their spouse through a friend.
Lisa Manyoky | RCI Coach
Udall responds ...
Being single and ready to meet that someone with whom you can spend wonderful moments can seem quite daunting. Since you are finding it hard to meet someone, several questions come to mind that you can address to open up your opportunities. Is there any healing you need to address regarding past relationships? Hankering over your past love interferes with a new love coming in. What type of relationship are you seeking?
The type of relationship –- recreational dating, bootie call, long-term commitment, marriage, etc. -- you want (or don't want) can determine who flocks to you. What characteristics do you want in your partner? Tall, handsome and rich doesn't cut it. Develop a substantive list which leads into the question -- What are your requirements, needs and wants? Requirements make or break the relationship. Needs are necessary for your emotional and functional health. Wants are nice-to-haves.
Are the events you are attending worthwhile? Attend events at which the type of man you are interested frequents. How is your presence (i.e. nonverbal signals) when you are hanging out? You have to be open and receptive in order for someone to approach. Otherwise, it's just a night out with friends (again).
Udall DeOleo | RCI Coach
Tags: relationships couples dating meeting people relationship coaching insititute rci
Please log in to post comments on this article. Not a member? Click here to register.