Dear Jim: I’m 64, and was a widow when I married my current husband in 2007. Although he was 70 when we married, he was very fit and athletic (tennis player, hiker, bike rider), with no major health issues. Tragically, he developed Parkinson’s disease less than a year later. The disease has progressed rapidly, and he can no longer walk on his own or speak intelligibly. We have a physical therapist who comes to the house regularly, but basically I’m his full-time caregiver. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’m just not cut out for the job. I was a caregiver to my first husband before he died of cancer, and I just can’t bring myself to do it again. I’m going through the motions, but my head is somewhere else. Some days I wish I could just disappear and start all over again. (“No Name”)

Dear “No Name”: Being a caregiver to a spouse is tough enough when you’ve been through thick and thin together for thirty or forty years. But to be thrust into that role when you’re just starting out in your marriage seems unfair and almost cruel.

Cruel but also common. With so many widowed or divorced people remarrying in their sixties, seventies, and eighties these days, there are a lot of stories like yours and there are going to be more of them. Not every caregiver will feel the way you do, but many of them will---probably more than you realize because not everyone is as honest as you are.

Although I sympathize with your desire to “disappear,” I hope you won’t abandon your husband in his time of need. My guess is that, despite his limitations, he’s aware of what’s going on around him and takes great comfort in seeing you, hearing you, and knowing you’ll be there tomorrow. Given all he’s lost, you may be the only thing that keeps him going.

But he may also be aware of how all this is affecting you. If you’re constantly depressed or angry, he’ll probably blame himself, which will create a vicious cycle and make matters worse for both of you. On the other hand, if you start addressing your own needs and begin to feel a little better, he’ll benefit from your improved outlook as much as you will.

Caregiver burnout is a serious problem but it doesn’t have to be a hopeless one. One way to overcome it is to take time every day to be good to yourself. Take a walk, get lost in a good book, watch a movie, get dressed up and go out to lunch or on a shopping trip.  Don’t hesitate to rely on your friends, but don’t be reluctant to do things by yourself even if you’ve always done them with someone else.

Another way to overcome the burnout is by getting professional and “peer” help. Make sure your primary care doctor knows what’s happening. Ask him or her if a referral to a mental health professional is advisable. Join a caregiver support group; it’s always good to know you’re not alone. Contact a local elder-care agency to see if relief coverage is available. If you have children or stepchildren, try to get them involved.

And remind yourself that the situation could easily have been reversed: you could have been the one who needed the care and your husband could have been the caregiver. One of the benefits of marriage, even a recent marriage, is that the affections and the obligations run in both directions.

Take care of yourself, “No Name,” and please let me know if any of this helps.