Dear Jim:  After we took early retirements a few years ago, my husband and I moved from New York to Florida. At first, we didn’t know anyone here, but we soon met a nice couple who introduced us to other couples, and before long we were part of a group of four or five couples that socialized together regularly (we even went on two cruises together). However, last year my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died only five months later. My friends were supportive during his illness and at the funeral, but since then they’ve dropped me like a hot potato. I heard from someone who knows two of the women that they’re threatened by the fact that I’m younger than them and that I’m now unattached. Jim, I’m only two or three years younger than the other women, and I wouldn’t be interested in their husbands even if they were single! We’re just friends---or at least we used to be. Is there anything I can do to convince them I’m not a threat? (“Invisible”)

Dear “Invisible”:  You’ve been hit with a double whammy. First you lost your husband. Then you lost your friends---or what you thought were your friends.

It’s probably not much consolation, but I’ve heard similar stories from other women who have suddenly been widowed. There are apparently lots of married women in their sixties and seventies who don’t want unmarried women around when their husbands are present. And the husbands are usually present, because these women enjoy socializing---as you yourself used to---primarily as couples.

You’re dealing with irrational people, or at least people who don’t want to take the trouble to think rationally. They don’t care about the fact that you’re only a couple of years younger. They don’t care about the fact that you’re not trying to steal their husbands. They don’t care about the fact that you now need friendship and support more than ever. All they care about is continuing the “couples only” lifestyle that evidently means so much to them.

Rather than waste time trying to convince these women of your good intentions, I would put my effort into finding new friends. I wouldn’t totally give up on the idea of making friends with married couples---not all women are like the ones you’re talking about---but I would focus my efforts on women (and men, too) who are unattached.

There are numerous widows and widowers clubs all over Florida, and they’re not necessarily just for those who are trying to find a new romantic interest. People often join these clubs for companionship, friendship, travel, and moral support.

If you enjoy physical activities, you should consider joining a gym or a hiking club, or taking ballroom dance lessons. You mentioned cruises; the major cruise lines promote dozens of singles cruises every year, and many of them are marketed to an older clientele. And if you check out www.meetup.com, you’ll find local activity groups for just about any interest someone could possibly have.

Your circle of couples helped you in your transition to your new life in Florida. But I think the time has come to transition to something different, and maybe even something better. You don’t necessarily have to write off your old friends entirely; they may surprise you by reaching out to you someday. But I think they’re more a part of your past than your future.

Good luck, “Invisible,” and please let me know how this turns out for you.