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Ask Our Coaches: A Tale of Two Men: How do I choose?

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by Relationship Coaching Institute

Ask Our Coaches: A Tale of Two Men: How do I choose?

"I've met two men that I really like .... How do I choose ?"

Dear Coaches,

I've met two men that I really like and both meet my requirements. I don't fight with either of them, however I like different things about each one. I wish I could just combine them into one man! I'm 58 years old so I can't be too picky either. One is 8 years younger than me and the other is 8 years older. How do I choose? Which traits are more important for a happy marriage? What's your advice?

Sherrie

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Jackie responds ...

Conscious Dating is not limited to those under a certain age. The principles of Conscious Dating apply to everyone who is committed to asking and answering 3 questions: Who are you? What do you want? How can you get what you really want in life and love?

I invite you to seriously challenge your (faulty) belief that at 58 you are too old to be picky. After all, whatever you believe is true, is! It sounds like either one of these men would be a fine companion. But does either one touch your heart in that v-e-r-y deep place? Or curl your hair or knock your socks off? What if it is possible that neither one of these fine men is your ideal match!

If for a moment you decide to be "picky," would you choose one of them to be your partner for life for the rest of your life, or would you decide to keep dating until you met the man who really did match all of your requirements? Please consider hiring a professional relationship coach to help you create your Conscious Dating Plan so you can choose the right man once and for all!

Dr. Jackie Black (RCI Coach)

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Maeve responds ...

You are in a strong position to choose consciously for your love life, dating two men, both of whom meet your requirements. However, you wish you could combine them into one man, indicating something's lacking somewhere.

You think you aren't entitled to have what you want and "can't be too picky at 58." Write down all your relationship and partner requirements -- your list of absolute must haves for the relationship to work.

Ask yourself "If I spent the rest of my life with this person, is there anything I would want to change about him?" Picture yourself with him in five, ten, twenty years. Pay close attention to your intuition and the feelings that surface for you. You may discover some truths that you're currently unable to see. Write down your insights and compare them for each person.

The person you choose to spend your life with must be a good match for you, so don't settle for less. Be clear about what you want for your relationship, choose someone who shares the same values as you and take your time to get to know people. There is no rush when it comes to choosing a life partner.

Maeve Crawford (RCI Coach)

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Nina responds ...

You have 2 great guys to choose from and think you can't be picky? If they aren't asking you to make a commitment, there is no reason for you not to take more time and simply enjoy both of them while you decide. That combination guy might just show up!

If you're ready to commit, both fit all your requirements and you like them equally, try this:

Spend one whole day imagining or pretending that you made the decision to commit to one of them. Spend the entire day assuming that you whole heartedly chose one of them and notice how you think and feel having made that decision. On a different day, imagine that you whole heartedly chose the other one. Again, notice how you think and feel having made the decision with no wavering. Repeat this process until you're clear.

Consider what kind of "we" you will be forming with each of them. Who will most readily fit with your life vision? This will be the most important thing you'll need to keep your relationship healthy and alive going forward.

Nina Potter (RCI Coach)

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Denise responds ...

Congratulations Sherrie on meeting two potential soulmates. If you feel that both men meet your requirements then there may be a good possibility that your requirements are too vague. Take your requirements and define out each detail until they are broken down to the smallest element.

Remember dating is a staging. Dating may be chemically and biologically enhanced. Everyone is in character and on their best behavior. Although both candidates appear to meet your requirements, on a day-to-day basis when you share living quarters, finances, domestic responsibilities, and extended families that may change the dynamics of your relationship altogether. So put these men through the litmus test.

Follow their actions and not their words. Words are merely intentions of what or who a person wants to be or intends to be. Actions define their character. Which man aligns more with your values, principles, priorities, morals, and ethics?

Also, a good relationship barometer is how responsive is each man to each one of your physical, emotional, and relational needs when it's not convenient for him? How responsive is each one when there is absolutely no benefit for him? And, lastly which one shares a vision with you for the future?

Denise Wade Ph.D. RCI Coach

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Diane and Lewis respond ...

Being 58 years old doesn't relieve you of your responsibility to choose the best mate possible; we would not call it "picky". This person could be your loved one for the next 30 years!

We suggest that you re-visit your requirements, including life vision, life purpose, values and needs. Make sure you aren't overlooking something. How long have you tested the requirements with each man? Have you consulted the dating red flag checklist for insights into each of these men?

The only difference between the two men that you mentioned was age. Age and sexual energy can be a significant factor. How is your sexual energy and how does that match the energy of the two men, bearing in mind that the older may wane faster. There is a 16 year difference to consider here.
The older man may have health issues sooner or could pass on sooner than the younger man. Does that matter to you?

What else is in their environment that they would each bring to the relationship? Do either of them have children or parents that might consume their energy, time or money? Are they both still working or is one retired and the other working?

Diane and Lewis Denbaum (RCI)




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